Marriage...when Yaw? When???

I have wanted to tackle this topic for many a year, but I haven’t because there are so many angles to it and I don’t even know where to begin, but I just cant seem to escape it. I seem to be attending weddings every other month and I am starting to notice that I am more often than not in the single minority, my concerned friends are always asking me why and in other cases keen to to set me up (bless you) and without a doubt every Sunday, like this past one, and the one before, when I am at my parents, the conversation rears its head without fail.

Marriage, an absolutely beautiful thing if you get it right, but a horribly destructive thing if you get it wrong. Society’ has fed me the rosiness of the institution, yet, as I sit here, I have more questions than acceptance. And that concerns me. I’m inching ever closer to my 39^th orbit around the sun, my existence is by no means perfect, but currently, it’s perfectly mine. I lack not too much and want for even less. It is not the worst place to be I suppose... BUT I am very concerned as to why the committed relationship I have with my passport, laptop, couch and remote supersedes any desires I have for companionship.

A little bit of context shall we. I started quite late with this whole relationship thing. Kissed and dated my first girl at the age of 19, that lasted 5 or so months, lovely lass, but I was way too young in my mind (not much has changed since then) the next one was at 28, another fabulous young lady, but through circumstance I guess, that ended a few clicks shy of 2 years…and that my friends, is the sum total of my ‘relationships’. And no I am not a player, well at least I don’t think so. So here are a few factors that I think contribute to the current state of many like me:

1. The influence of parents and the community

I constantly debate with my parents, uncles and aunts and older family friends, who I hardly ever see yet they wish to prescribe who I should settle with. That debate is more infrequent now because they know my position and I guess as a factor of my and their age, they are willing to concede. ‘Yaw, Just come home with any girl and we will be happy’ I tend to hear them say more often. The older Ghanaian folk hold the desire that their children should settle with Ghanaians.

An argument that makes some sense given the fact that relationships of any kind are constant toil in themselves, throw in the complexities of different cultures, religions, ethnicities and you could have yourself a quagmire of epic proportions. But my counter is this. I on the other hand, have no innate desire to settle with a Ghanaian, if it happens sweet as, but right now if I were to do such, it would be to appease the family and the elders around. That doesn’t really make any sense to me because if one day, I do end up married, I’m in it 24/7 and the interaction with these ‘prescriptive elders’ will more than likely amount to attending the wedding, a child naming (if we are blessed enough to have one) a few phone calls, etc., I.e. next to ZERO influence or accountability.

Secondly, if I were to date a Ghanaian for example, the whole Ghanaian world would get involved. Unnecessary pressure. I speak to my younger cousins and family friends in SA and the sentiment is the same. The parents mean well but they actually aren’t aware how their influence is counter productive (and man are they stubborn, so you try and explain this to them…Your typical response would be along the lines of ‘who born you? We know best…’). Ofcourse I am generalizing to a point because there are some amongst us whose only desire is to settle with a Ghanaian.

Thirdly there are absolutely no guarantees. People are people and ish happens! I mean a lot of these ‘prescriptive elders, have marriages that just seem to just be one of 2 people co-existing, sometimes you hear arguments between them that sound exactly the same as when you were 12 years old. Married men are out chasing skirt. It leads a person to think that if this is what I have to look forward to man perhaps the passport, couch and remote isn’t such a bad option is it? I strongly believe that as long as you find a person who in you believe is your person in mind, body and soul, and you are both committed to making it work, that’s the best base to build on. But what do I know…

2. Marriage as an institution

My parents have been married for 41 years!! My good friend Ingo and ‘cousin’ Dr. David just got engaged a few weeks ago, and I am superbly thrilled for them, but my thoughts re. Ingo were, damnit man, who am I going to travel with now? J My youngest bro got married last year, too chuffed because he found his person. My uncle and aunt are in Vegas renewing their vows after 25 years. I went to visit my mates in the LA last year, married for 10 years this year, 3 lovely kids and they just seem as into each other as they were on day 1. Went to my ‘big brother’s’ house this past weekend. He has been married for 11 years, been with his wife 20 years. 2 kids growing up and developing personalities. Love that stuff!

They found their person. The saddest thing for me though is they seem to be amongst the minority in this selfish, self-centered world we currently find ourselves in. Nowadays, the roles of men and women in my mind, are the same. We all work the same, get paid more or less the same. It’s not the same as in the past where there were roles to be played irrespective of who does what, there were roles. In my house both my folks worked, but they both had more than enough time for us, be it sport, feeding, prize giving, homework. We knew what we could and couldn’t do, mother issued upper cuts, pops was the guy you didn’t want to go to. He issued no beatings but the thought of one day getting a beating was enough to make sure that your ish ended with ma and the wooden spoon, the belt, the jacket…shoot anything she could get her hand. Saturday was library and pops doing the shopping, moms looking after the food and the helper…etc. Stuff worked, nowadays we are all kings of the castle.

That’s one part, another part is fidelity. I don’t know how many people who are married/in relationships still seem to find a thrill in stepping out of bounds. See I am not married nor am I in a relationship, so I guess it’s easy for me to pass such comments, but what I want to know is why bother getting married or being in a relationship if you are keen to step out when an opportunity presents itself? Why not just stay single and save your partner the heartache and yourself the headache? And its not just guys cheating anymore, oh no!! The ladies are properly out there now. So it leads me to the next question, how relevant is marriage as an institution in this era? Add to that the fact that it’s for life “Till death us do part”… Is marriage natural?

3. General

So last week I was sitting with a friend out here from Gabon and a friend of hers. My mate is married and her mate isn’t. So I start talking to the single lass, trying to gain some info for my blog. And I’m not sure her exact words, but she was all about the fact that her man must have money and be able to provide for her. Mind you this lass is educated in a pretty good job. I tend to find that a many of my ‘sisters’ I converse with are about it’s all about what he can do for me tip and not what we can do together, I’m not sure if its because of the exorbitant weave prices or what, but I find that more sad than infuriating. Cash like beauty can fade, but the soul of a person is generally more lasting than either of those 2 above mentioned. If what attracts you to a person is one of the former, know that if and when it dies, the probability of your relationship surviving tends towards zero.

A lot of us have also built a lot of preconditions and expectations in our minds as to how it should be. We see it as like a “Mills and Boons” happily ever after kind of story then we get into it and realize oh shaize, hmm this stuff is hard work, not quite what I had in mind….off to the court we go…I want half! Perhaps some of us also go into it for the wrong reasons. I like the little people and I’ve wanted kids for the longest time, my ma wants grand children like now! I look forward to the day I get woken up at 2am by a helpless hunger cry picking up my little missy and rocking her back to sleep with a bottle in her mouth. But is that enough to for me to get married?

That institution is hard! Don’t get it twisted, go in with eyes wide open and know its HARD DAMN WORK!

I feel I’m of the old school. There is no way I’m going through the admin of organising a wedding only for it to end a few years later. If I’m in, I’m all in.

Anyway, plenty thoughts float through my head on this topic and it all gets a tad confusing, so I choose the ‘safe’ option. I go back to my otherwise pretty decent life as it is, open to whatever possibilities the universe might throw at me, with the knowledge that the current flow of my existence fills me with much contentment.

Have a beautiful week ahead and if you are in love…long may it last, if your heart longs for love, may the longing be no more!! And for the rest of us, there is Champions League this week and a Currie Cup Final this weekend.

Much respect always

Yaw